A beautiful story about a beautiful girl who never gave in. I am soo very proud of you and what you have achieved. Thank you for sharing your story with us. A true inspirational story to touch the heart of other young people.
Not Giving In
My story does not really have an ending or even a beginning that I can remember. One thing I am certain about is that I have been on a journey. But not a journey with an easy path or route, not a journey where the destination was clear, not a journey that I thought I would finish…
This year for me has been so mentally, physically and emotionally draining. At times I felt the life and energy being sucked out of me. I used to say that I was a guinea pig in a very harsh experiment and I’ll tell you the reason why. Multiple things were being thrown at me without any mercy. For me it was hard to see beyond this. You know the overused quote, ‘There is light at the end of the tunnel’, but after waiting some time for this ‘light’ to appear, I started to believe that the light coming was from a train travelling at a high speed towards me (which is meant to be metaphorical for my life at this point).
There were times where I was surrounded by so many people who loved and cared for me but still I felt lonely. This affected me greatly. I started to curl up into my own shell. Socially I was now awkward which was never the case. I could talk but i did not want to speak. I was stuck. I felt like I was screaming but no one could hear. Life at this point just became a routine like no real depth to it – eat, rest, music, sleep etc. I did everything because I had to. If it was up to me I would have been mute for a while and listened to Bastille on replay. I found it difficult to be happy and bubbly all the time. I felt like I had to be like this in order to make people around me happier, not myself.
I tried to help myself out after realising I needed help. But it was not easy. I talked and talked about my problems. I became tired of talking and I wanted to actually do something.
I’m not saying it was easy for me because I still go through it now. During this year I was quite paranoid and I took everything seriously…even a joke. I felt like people were talking down to me and were doubting my ability as a student, which really affected my mood even more. Even when doing my exams, I felt as though people thought that I was going to fail. I received my GCSE results recently and I was so surprised. The reason for this was because I implanted in my brain that I was a failure. It’s mind over matter. And this time the matter overcame my mind.
This year was crazy and I’ll never forget it. I’ll never forget how supportive my family are. I’ll never forget the amazing friends I have. I’ll never forget how understanding and caring my teachers were. I’ll never forgot how i’ve reached this point in my journey. The lessons I have learnt cannot be taught in some poxy PSHE lesson. These are life lessons. I feel more wiser. You do not have to reach the end of your journey or the top of your mountain to feel like you’ve accomplished something. Every now and again I look back. It’s experiences like this that kept me alive, not literally but you understand. Life is what you make it. I’ve had a difficult year but would I describe this year as a mistake – No.
I have struggled for a year now and I still am. I was blind to how many people wanted to help me. I did not want their help because I could not help myself. I can’t really put a medical label on it.
I have achieved so much. It’s completely normal to praise one’s self. I am proud that even after all those sleepless nights and tears, I was able to overcome my biggest fear which was failure. Whether I failed on results day or not. I am not a failure. A bunch of grades on a piece of paper does not determine my self worth. Maybe in this society but not in my world.
So I say it again. My story does not really have an ending or even a beginning that I can remember. One thing I am certain about is that I have been on a journey…and it has not yet ended…